Just Sayin'

I think its probably been about 6 months since the last time I wrote one of these. I can’t tell you what drawn me back or if it will last for more than a post but something told me to come to tumblr tonight. Maybe its me procrastinating from doing my homework. I am not sure but here it goes, i have a lot to say and I am going to say it.

After scrolling through my last posts, it seems to me that Austin and I were still together. I sadly say that is not true anymore…per say. Almost 6 months ago I made a mistake that ruined my 3 and 1/2 year long relationship. Ive regretted it every day since. I don’t know if anyone has ever gone 6 months without talking to the person you love the most, but if you do, you know my pain. The agony of watching the one you love walk away because it was your fault. Thats a feeling I never want to have again, now that he’s finally coming back to me. 

I haven’t admitted this to anyone, not my best friends or my family. No one. And I guess now my total of 15 followers will know. I want to be with Austin more than anything in this world. I miss him every day. I think about him every day. When I see him I have to fight the urge to run up and kiss him. But something in me is saying not yet. Not right now. I can’t be with him right now. My heart and my head are conflicting and I don’t know what to do about it. 

Ive seen him 3 times in the last month. Its the first times Ive seen him since the fateful day I told him what I had done. He looked so happy. Thats the first thing I thought (besides the fact that he needs that bar taken out of his ear). I couldn’t get past the enormous smile on his face and then I still couldn’t get passed his attitude and humor for the rest of the day. He was the happiest he’s ever been. Happier than when he was with me.

I couldn’t help but wonder if he was happier without me. I know I wasn’t. But maybe he was. It tore me a part for a while. It still does. Was I a terrible girlfriend? No matter how bad I believe he is the one for me, is it possible that Im not the one for him? No matter what i thought, it wasn’t good. He was happier not talking to me for six months. And then it dawned on me again:

I ruined the most important relationship in my life. 

Im not trying to be depressing in this post. Last weekend I spent the weekend at his house with his family, it was exactly like old times. We had a great time and it didn’t feel like it had been 6 months since the last time we hung out for an extended period of time. It was awesome. Im only hoping that it lasts. That neither one of us screws up this time. We’re taking it slow, which is right. Its the right thing to do. I hope he’s coming back into my life to stay, but nothing in life in permeant. I keep reminding myself of that. 

I’m going to ruin it all if I don’t get this under control.

blackbird singing in the dead of night, take these broken wings and learn to fly

all your life, you were only waiting for this moment to arise

blackbird singing in the dead of night, take these sunken eyes and learn to see

all your life, you were only waiting for this moment to be free